PINNACLE OF POIGNANCY

Milan Kundera is one of the most insightful authors of the 21st century. Growing up in Czechoslovakia under communist rule, his works reflect the great struggles and triumphs under an irrational regime. I wanted to reproduce a selection from Kundera's seminal work: The Unbearable Lightness of Being:

“There’s no particular merit in being nice to one’s fellow man. Tereza had to treat all the other villagers decently because otherwise she couldn’t live there. Even with Tomas (her partner), she was obliged to behave lovingly because she needed him. We can never establish with certainty what part of our relations with others is the result of our emotion- love, antipathy, charity, or malice--- and what part is predetermined by the constant power play among individuals. 

 True human goodness, in all its purity and freedom, can come to form only when its recipient has no power. 

Mankind’s true moral test, its fundamental test (which lies deeply from view), consists of its attitude towards those who are at its mercy: animals… It is a completely selfish love: Tereza didn’t want anything out of her dog Karenin; she did not ever ask him to love her back. Nor had she ever asked herself the questions that plague human couples: Does he love me? Does he love anyone more than me? Does he love me more than I love him? Perhaps all the questions we ask of love, to measure, test, probe and save it, have the additional effect of cutting it short. Perhaps the reason we are unable to love is that we yearned to be loved, that is, we demand something (love) for our partner instead of delivering ourselves up to him demand-free and asking for nothing but his company. Furthermore, Tereza accepted Karenin for what she was; she did not try to make him over in her image. No one can give anyone the gift of the idyll; only an animal can do so, because only animals were not expelled from Paradise.

So maybe the answer lies in just treating everyone like dogs in the best possible way, to not be plagued by all these human questions and love unconditionally because it is done out of desire that does not ask for reciprocation.

Cheers

The perfect Sheath for your Relationship Teeth

A clean refreshing relationship reminds me of brushing my teeth. There’s no better feeling than sliding your tongue over spotless pearly whites, bastions of trust, respect, responsibility and awesomeness. There’s many more teeth to be brushed in our relations but these are the foundations. Trust is an obvious one, and it can be demonstrated by non-threatening behavior and an authentic comfort with the other. Trust deeply relates to sharing vulnerabilities because knowing eachother’s weak points can make us softer and more considerate. Vulnerability derives from the latin “Vulnus” which means “to wound.” If you know what hurts her, then hopefully there’s greater compassion to avoid reopening the wound. Yet the underlying problem is when we rip the scab off anyway and use the sensitive issues of the other as ammunition to hit below the belt. This plaque only strip the enamel off our teeth. Respect- from listening non-judgmentally to being emotionally available and affirming is key. Responsibility for self and for the priorities of the other- acknowledging past wrongs and admitting when one is wrong are equally pertinent. Finally, awesomeness – what are those sparks that make your spine tingle and eyes alight with excitement? Seek the intriguing adventurous paths.

It cannot be underestimated how we must remember to make a persistent effort everyday keep our teeth healthy, to listen … to really listen to what our partner is saying and how they feel, just like we must remember to brush after every meal.

Sometimes we do a careless job of brushing only the front and bottom teeth, neglecting the hard to reach molars in the back. It takes more effort to reach these teeth but it is just as important to brush them and even more rewarding. These are the subtleties of romance, knowing just what to say and when to say it, the spontaneity of bringing home her favorite meal and especially being less clueless to her state of mind. Just as we must floss after a particularly big meal that leaves corn or beef in between our teeth, difficulties with respect or trust for example, its crucial to talk through them ASAP before the plaque eats through enamel, the outer coating of the tooth.  It really is the “little things,” those times we shirk brushing, that can tear a relationship apart.

 For example, a minor dispute such as a wife disliking the fact that her husband chews with his mouth open can fester if she does not tell him. Likewise, He might dislike that she gossips to him about her friends. An amalgam of miniature problems such as these go untalked about because they are considered minor-things each spouse thinks they can tolerate. But this plaque can lead to emotional gingivitis where the build up grows exponentially and becomes intolerable.

Some fights for example start over a stupid issue and then the little things get brought up in a hostile environment and exacerbate the situation. Communication and understanding are the toothpaste and floss that remove the plaque of problems from our teeth. The sooner the toothpaste is used, the sooner the couple talks about a particular problem and the relationship gets stronger, just as the tooth heals. The major fights destroy not only enamel but rot the pulp of the tooth. Getting false teeth is expensive and painful, just like divorce.

After a root canal, one’s mouth never feels the same. The wife who didn’t like her husband chewing with his mouth open might bring this to his attention during an argument on an unrelated subject such as not having enough money for the electric bill, causing the dam to burst and both partners to unleash a slew of insults at each other. He goes down stairs to sleep on the couch and they both begin to think why they thought they loved each other in the first place.  Fights that never get resolved cause many facets (teeth) of a relationship to fall apart (fall out) from root canals. Before you know it. Love is a great mouthwash to cover all the nooks and crannies your toothbrush missed. Affection and compassion can always forgive miscommunication here and there.

So often times it happens that we live our lives in chains: MAITRI and HOW TO BE

You may have heard the word "Maitri" bandied about with concepts like loving friendship or even love itself but it's also India's second permanent research station in Antartica! Seriously though, its the first of the "Four Immeasurable Minds' of Buddhist thought  that I will be discussing. They include Maitri, Compassion, Joy and Equanimity. The idea is that these four general lumps of ideas will foster a spirit in us to embrace the whole world, discover "real" happiness and make everyone around you happier too. The big 4 won't magically make you happy, but as Carlos Castenada would say, these paths have heart.

Pictured: Laughing out loud the meaning of life!

So to begin discussing Maitri as simply love, we must acknowledge how dangerous this overloaded ambiguous concept is, and that its true meaning needs to be healed, the word needs to be recovered. We've been using love in an all too general sense in as I love chocolate but we may need more caution. Etymologically, maitri is derived from mitra, meaning friend  and the Buddhist worldview places the meaning of love on establishing friendships artfully and authentically with the time we have. Thich Nhat Hanh waxes poetically about the blossoming beautiful seeds of love that are already within us. It's apt.

 We water some seeds more than other depending on the circumstances or group of people we find ourselves around, erecting invisible barriers as to who deserves our intentional warmness when really everyone deserves our love. 

Trungpa Rinpoche says, "the most powerful mantra is Om Grow Up Svaha.  But this issue of growing up, it's not all that easy because it requires a lot of courage. Particularly it takes a lot of courage to relate directly with your experience. By this I mean whatever is occurring in you, you use it,. You seize the moment? moment after moment? you seize those moments and instead of letting life shut you down and make you more afraid, you use those very same moments of time to soften and to open and to become more kind. More kind to yourself for starters as the basis for becoming more kind to others"

A flower being a flower. Maybe one day we could be humans just being humans.

This is the route of maitri for me. Will I have the courage to treat myself and others in ways that will develop the source; the bountiful, expansive, nurturing energy that does not expect anything in return. Lets make this tangible: picture your 'average' freshman walking into the dining hall, her or she sees groups sitting together and is not sure where to sit. Lets say they finally do find a seat next to a friend in one of their classes, will they be intimidated or too shy to talk to their friend's friends join them at the table. Will they be hesitant to ask questions. or overthink what they are saying for fear of feeling out of place? Maitri is needed here in both situations- our freshman should have more confidence but the others might as well offer a friendly vibe, to lower the barriers to conversation at the start. This means smiles and genuineness, not detachment and apathy. The basics aside, when it comes down to the great love, those people who we really spend a time with that may test our patience at times, we cannot resist forgiving them when we know their intentions and character deeply.

The Eagles say  "We don't know that we have the key." Maybe we do and we're just looking for the right doors to open. Now our self-imposed difficulty is that we see doors where there's only illusion and the miss the authentic ones right under our noses. 

                                              Maitri , maitri , maitri open your "self" to the kind ones!

John Lennon on love and sex

"Well I don’t know who made the golden rule that sex and love had to go together, Because I’ve enjoyed love without sex and sex without love. And they quite often come together but quite often they don’t.

So what is love then? I really think love has something to do with relaxation. When you’re guarded with somebody, you’re not relaxed. And when you’re guarded with somebody you can’t love that person. Love is when you understand someone so well you can relax with them."

If someone thinks that love and peace is a cliche that must have been left behind in the Sixties, that's his problem. Love and peace are eternal.

 John's notion is taboo to our western folkways, influenced by victorian era prim and properness. Often times, there are multiple scratches on our western lens to view acceptable norms on sex. Liberated women in particular have had to combat labels like trollop, wench, hussy, harlot, ho, women of ill repute just because they do not conform to the double gender standard. Men on the other hand are given a free-pass to be a cassanova and have none of the negative connotations surrounding promiscuity. Not only is this unfair but it limits everyone in a caustic dialogue to cyclically repeat stereotypes and misinformed views of the 'other'. Why is it a "sin" to have sex before marriage? Who are "they" to determine how we should be able to use our bodies? Granted their are countless people that take advantage of other people but this does not conscript consenting healthy adults from exploring the dimensions of their sex life in whatever form that may take. Whatever form love takes, hopefully it does not proscribe your spirit.

Is our sexually repressed culture ready for another foot in the bed?

Fixed abilities or the chance to boundlessly soar through pure potentiality?

                                        How high to you dare to fly?

"Experts" called Entity theorists call for us to believe that  human abilities exist within us in  a finite supply that we cannot increase. Only so much toothpaste in the tube to squeeze. While certain barriers will determine physical abilities, that can be bettered by practice, this theory falls into a group think about scientists having a very limited view on human potential and only derived value in the first place because most of recorded history has been fueled by racist, agist, sexist, religionist, androcentric, ethnocentric ... etc. barriers to potential which have naturally kept people down and less-focused on other areas of 'self' development. 

     "I won't remember this in five seconds"

              

The more correct view on this question regards incremental theory, suggesting that while  while particular abilities vary from person to person, we can also improve upon them, as long as we are prepared to put in the necessary effort. But the droopy dogs and dream-defeaters hold fast and revel in the safety the platudinous warm comfort of their misplace assumptions. Now I'm no polemicist, but the idea that we have a fixed quantity of abilities that cannot be changed -- Doesn't every attempt to complete a goal or project becomes a measure of how resourceful or charismatic etc., you are?

If you teach a goof to fish...

How far will this take your self-efficacy to fashion your own space-time, sailing at the helm of your ship, navigating between the Scylla and Charybdis to attain the port prize? Do you even know what ports your drifting towards?

Beware the Scylla's tentacles!  This juxtapose is the origin of the phrase "In between a rock and a hard place"

Self-Actualization is a place to start! You are capable to redefine your self-construct! Self-actualization is the big “Why” question, it answers why you are here and why you are doing what you do.

All achievements, all earned riches, have their beginning in an idea.   Napoleon Hill

              

Fixed abilities or the chance to boundlessly soar through pure potentiality?

                                        How high to you dare to fly?

"Experts" called Entity theorists call for us to believe that  human abilities exist within us in  a finite supply that we cannot increase. Only so much toothpaste in the tube to squeeze. While certain barriers will determine physical abilities, that can be bettered by practice, this theory falls into a group think about scientists having a very limited view on human potential and only derived value in the first place because most of recorded history has been fueled by racist, agist, sexist, religionist, androcentric, ethnocentric ... etc. barriers to potential which have naturally kept people down and less-focused on other areas of 'self' development. 

     "I won't remember this in five seconds"

              

The more correct view on this question regards incremental theory, suggesting that while  while particular abilities vary from person to person, we can also improve upon them, as long as we are prepared to put in the necessary effort. But the droopy dogs and dream-defeaters hold fast and revel in the safety the platudinous warm comfort of their misplace assumptions. Now I'm no polemicist, but the idea that we have a fixed quantity of abilities that cannot be changed -- Doesn't every attempt to complete a goal or project becomes a measure of how resourceful or charismatic etc., you are?

If you teach a goof to fish...

How far will this take your self-efficacy to fashion your own space-time, sailing at the helm of your ship, navigating between the Scylla and Charybdis to attain the port prize? Do you even know what ports your drifting towards?

Beware the Scylla's tentacles!  This juxtapose is the origin of the phrase "In between a rock and a hard place"

Self-Actualization is a place to start! You are capable to redefine your self-construct! Self-actualization is the big “Why” question, it answers why you are here and why you are doing what you do.

All achievements, all earned riches, have their beginning in an idea.   Napoleon Hill

              

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